I really REALLY wanna like this movie!!!

Hmmmmmmm..........

Well, in a nutshell, I liked/hated it (splunge). SOOO many people told me it was in the same vein (pun intended) as many "comedy/horror" movies, which I tend to like, but sadly it wasn't......

It starts out cooler that cool, with ultra cool James woods and his "team" of vampire hunters looking for a "nest", almost the way the FBI would hit a compound of religious nutballs. His team features a bunch of bad-ass dudes that would look at home on harleys, as well as the "fat" Baldwin brother (wonder is he ever gets sick of being called that?) and Gregory Sierra (from Sanford and Son) as a beer drinking, hooker-loving priest.

The opening "vampire ass-kciking scene" is worth the price of admission, and the best part of the movie.

The teams idea is a cool one. Working under direct funding of the catholic church, these leather clad tough guys creep through the house of horrors waiting for neck-sucking dickweeds to come a-flyin' out of the woodwork (and they Do come a-flyin) looking for munchies. The team holds them down with long pointy pikes, while Woods impales them with a crossbow that looks like something ALIEN's Ripley would have wielded. Once the crossbow bolt is it, it's hooked up to a cable and winch on the "Vampire huntin' SUV" outdoors. Fatty Baldwin then throws the winch lever and the necksucker is dragged out, kicking and screaming, into the sunlight, where they burst into crispy cracklin' flames. The cooked fleshless skulls are lined up by Tubby on the SUV's hood, and then it's Miller Time, complete with naked hookers.

If it wasn't for the Vampires, who *DO* get even with the team, it sounds like the perfect life! (wink wink) The worst part is, after this GREAT opening sequence, the movie gets slower than dirt, and starts to take itself a little too serious. When Bruce Campell poses and acts tough in EVIL DEAD we laugh at him, because he is tough but not taking himself serious. Once the Vampires get even on the team, it becomes Woods and Fatty's 2 man revenge team, and that just doesn't have much chemistry. There is a "bad guy" in the movie other than the Chief neck sucker, and we know who he is the MOMENT the camera hits him. You say, "yep, a guy dressed like that, he's gonna be a bad guy in the end". So when he is revealed as the bad guy, you say "yep, saw that one comin'. Any popcorn left?".

But it's not a BAD movie, just one that took itself too farkin' serious. If this had been a Horror combo gore/laughfest, much like "fright night", "Evil dead 2", "Tremors", and a long line of others, it could have been the best of the lot. I give it one appendage up, one and a half it's free.

Until next time, the balcony is condemned.