He begins to type.
He pauses.
He mutters a colorful oath and begins to delete text.
He stares once again at the blinking cursor.....
And so has been my morning, faithful readers, for I attempt to write a review of STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES that provides an opinion (mine) about the quality and worthiness of the film, but also takes the rolling snowball on the slopes of the ice planet Hoth that *IS* the Star Wars universe itself and tries to make some kind of sense out of it. Star Wars, from it's humble beginnings as a re-creation of saturday afternoon adventure serials, has grown much too big for it's bulging trousers, making ANYTHING George Lucas creates wide open for nit-picking and over-analyzing. So the question of "where do I start?" hinders this humble reviewer.
So I suppose I'll begin with a one sentence review that will sum up the film, and then see where it all takes me-
"Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, is as much fun as you can have in a movie theater with your zipper up."
Star Wars began 25 years ago as a fun adventure movie that took a timeless and well-worn theme and peppered it with more bells and whistles than a Spike Jones record. Was this clever of George Lucas? You bet your roaring Wookie it was. Understanding how the human mind works, we know that Star Wars could not have possibly failed. The original Star Wars was essentially the cheap, affordable car that didn't have much of an engine.....yet had dozens of drink holders installed in it. It was a time-proven storyline, yet it was encrusted with scintillating delights to make us ooh and aah. It was a brilliantly choreographed fireworks display, and oh how we did not mind the kinks in our necks from looking up at it with our mouths hanging open.
Is that a bad thing? Did that make it a bad movie? Did that make me NOT want to see it a dozen times?
There is nothing wrong with eye-candy, provided we accept what it is and don't over-hype it into something it's not.
But then something both wonderful and terrifying happened- the universe expanded. Along came THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI, and we started to build upon that simple framework, and things got more complicated than Valentine's Day in Utah. And so, while George Lucas was thrilling audiences both young and old, he was also a blundering, whistling idiot, oblivious to the fact that he was painting himself into a corner. The dogmatic law of the Star Wars universe was being written, and while the followers swelled in numbers (unlike myself, who merely just swelled), the list of rules grew longer and longer, and were eventually etched in stone, and carried high upon the shoulders of the faithful.
And thus, a new God was born. And as with most Gods, we eventually turned on Him, and he had nowhere to hide.
Which brings us to the new generation of STAR WARS movies and STAR WARS fans.
People, this is STAR WARS. It's laser-beam guns that go "peow peow" with no scientific explanation of how they hell they work. It's gleaming metal ships cruising around in the void of space like top gun pilots over an enemy landscape, exploding occasionally in glamorous balls of pyrotechnics. It's goofy looking creatures that defy any kind of evolutionary logic, who, in fact, almost seem to have evolved backwards just for the sake of weirdness. It's all EYE CANDY, it's not "Casablanca"!
There, now that we know what Star Wars WAS, what Star Wars IS, and what Star Wars will probably be AGAIN, let's get our heads out of our puckered rectal grommets and get on with liking this damn thing.......
First let's look at the title: ATTACK OF THE CLONES. My first impression of this title was a soft, dying groan from somewhere deep inside me. After all, there haven't been too many "Attack of the" films worth writing home about. We witnessed the attack of the 50 Foot Woman, the attack of a second 50 Foot Woman years later, and let's not forget those darn old Killer Tomatoes who attacked all over the place. Yet maybe reminding us of these goofy cinematic wonders is what Lucas was trying to do, reminding us that a Star Wars story is no better or worse than these "silly" ventures, and maybe get the feel of the series back down to where it's supposed to be; a cheesy space opera with bizarre monsters, wacky robots, laser-guns and glowing energy swords. Or perhaps George Lucas was only letting us know what was going to happen. After all, he told us that the Empire would strike back... and it did! He told us the Jedi would return... and they did! He told us the clones would attack...... and by golly....
They pretty much did.
As the story goes, CLONES follows along nicely in the continuing prequel of Anakin Skywalker, who will eventually complete his transformation into the black-clad symbol of all things mean and nasty- Judge Judy. Oops, I meant Darth Vader. It's been ten years (In Star Wars time, that is) since we all threw our heads back and celebrated with the rest of the planet of Naboo, looking on in wonder at Boss Nass of the Gungans as he held aloft his brand new garden gazing ball, and evil things are stirring once again in the galaxy. Senator Palpatine is still giving us his politicians smile, while secretly running the show from the wings, twisting the rules in order to bring himself to iron-fisted power. Anakin is older, hunkier, not quite as blonde, and starting to show signs of his progression to the dark side, with more sudden mood swings than a crack junkie with PMS. Queen Amidala is now a Senator, which is a good thing, as it allows her to wear more revealing clothes. Jar Jar Binks is also a Senator, which is a good thing because it keeps him too busy with political matters to do any humorous pratfalls or run around saying "exqueeze me". In fact, the new and improved Jar Jar is ALMOST likable in this episode. These familiar faces, as well as some new ones, are all thrust into a tight little storyline with no huge surprises (but a few surprises all the same) that fits nicely into the backstory of what we know will ultimately happen in episodes 4, 5, and 6.
The mood of this film is much darker than THE PHANTOM MENACE. Silly things happen less and less (although they do occasionally happen), and things are starting to get serious, which is nice to start showing us NOW, rather than have everyone running around happily with their ray-guns only to find that, by the end of the upcoming Episode III, that suddenly everything about the situation pretty much sucks.
The music, the sound effects, and the special effects overall are breathtaking and amazing and fabulous- all that you would expect from Mr. Lucas and the wizards at Industrial Light and Magic. Where THE PHANTOM MENACE marked the merging of time-honored Star Wars miniature and stop-motion animation effects with flashy, new digital CGI effects, there were too many places where you could see the difference. In CLONES, the merging is virtually seamless. And at the speed which this movie throws them at you, you don't have time to even think about where things are done with models and where things have been done digitally, as it all comes fast and furious. But remember, this is where the strengths of Star Wars has always been. The acting has never been the strong point of ANY Star Wars film, yet many people seem critical of it in this new age. Luke, Leia, Han, and the rest, all tripped over some lines now and then, and their dialogue was, at times, standard and predictable, with occasional moments of inspired greatness. In this latest trilogy, nothing has changed.
We, as Americans, love the flash, bang, zoom, pop, and ping of instant gratification. People read less books, but we are building bigger and faster amusement park rides. We want the more rumbling engine, the louder stereo system, the longer barrel on the bigger gun. We want an order of fries so big we can't finish it, and a soft drink so big we can't lift it. We have more ways of talking to people from more different places, yet we have less to actually say. And we are too damn picky about Star Wars!!! It's a ride, people. Fasten your seatbelt and just let the ride take you for a few hours, and don't worry so much about George Lucas not being able to write like John Irving. Even if he could, we can't settle down in our theater seats long enough to notice anyway, what with all the important chit-chatting about trivial matters, or going back up for another order of nachos, or farting around with our cell phones to keep us occupied.
So, is ATTACK OF THE CLONES big?
Massive.
Is ATTACK OF THE CLONES fun?
Wickedly.
Is ATTACK OF THE CLONES what Star Wars should be?
Absolutely.
ATTACK OF THE CLONES is easily one of the most entertaining films in the series, and perhaps one of the best. If anything, it is worth the ticket price just to see Yoda do his imitation of Sonic the Hedgehog. Don't blink, that little green dude is faster than Pauly Shore's popularity decline.
You will enjoy Star Wars. (waves hand)
"I will enjoy Star Wars."
You will get over yourself and go see it. (waves hand)
"I will get over myself and go see it."
Until next time, the balcony is condemned. (waves hand)
"What he said."
Dr. Torgo