"One for all and all for one!" they cried, as they pulled forth their razor-sharp blades of Justice and held them aloft, forming a criss-cross of righteousness, backlit by the setting sun of a day that began with goodness, had a solid breakfast of goodness, lounged around on the couch for a few hours in the sweatpants of goodness watching "The Jetsons", fought evil for a bit, and then wrapped up things with a call to Pizza Hut, and a side order of goodness for dipping the crusts in. For they are the Musketeers! The guardians of all things regal and French! The keepers of the holy light of overblown poofs with moles on their cheeks and curly wigs on their heads!
And so dawns a new day on "The Musketeer", the wonderful new Peter Hyams film about one boy, living in filth, who grows up with hatred and revenge in his heart, becomes a civil servant for his beloved country of France (pronounced "Frawnce"), and teaches every one of us that righteousness will prevail.
Or so it would have been, if this movie hadn't sucked like a sump pump in custard.
The film starts out just fine, and with so much promise of adventure and excitement that I could barely contain my encroaching moisture. Young D'Artagnan, played by a young lad with a French accent (I got the impression he had been French his whole life), watches as his proud parents are slain in cold blood by the evil Febre, played by the always menacing Tim Roth. Little budding D'Artagnan escapes, but not before wounding Febre and scarring him for life (much like this film did to me). And so, as the opening credits roll and time passes, we expect great things to unfold.....
And that's precisely where anything resembling a decent film wakes up, stretches and yawns in the morning sun, strolls groggily to the bathroom, has a heart attack on the crapper, and dies.
So by now you are saying "Gee, I get the distinct impression that this movie wasn't very good. I wonder what made it so bad? Please tell me, as I am both curious and frightened".
I'm so very glad you asked.
Let's start out with the single biggest problem with this movie: CASTING. D'Artagnan is played by Justin Chambers, and let me tell you, this guy's acting career should be staked down in the hot desert sun and left to die before it hurts anyone. How bad is Chambers? First of all, the man has one facial expression, only a small portion of one single emotion, and the body language of cows walking on ice. If I discovered that his acting coach said to him "Ok Justin, watch me closely" and then died suddenly and just sat there in a chair while Chambers watched him for 3 days straight, taking really detailed notes, it would not surprise me at all. Chambers, who I hear is a MODEL in his first acting role, makes Keanu Reeves in "Bram Stoker's Dracula" look like Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep's love child. Chamber's was obviously selected for one reason and one reason only- he's dreamy and hunky and he makes little girls squeal in delight. He's got the eyes of Johnny Depp, the physique of Brad Pitt, and the acting talent of aluminum siding.
Which brings us to his "love interest" counterpart, Mena Suvari.
Mena played the high-school hottie that Kevin Spacey wanted to passionately get down and fun-kay with in "American Beauty". Her performance in "The Musketeer" as "the obligatory love interest" made Justin Chambers as D'Artagnan seem almost believable. Hell, downright impressive. When Chambers was on the screen I winced, when Suvari was on the screen I cowered, and when they were on the screen together..... wo ho ho it's magic.
Clint Howard would have been a better French maiden.
Nell Carter would have been better.
Drew Carey would have been MUCH better.
And that's where "The Musketeer" REALLY runs for the bathroom with it's pants around it's ankles, only to trip and fall in the hallway. It's a beautifully filmed period piece, with so many people who look and sound French walking around, and Tim Roth killing everyone and enjoying the holy hell out of it, and swords clashing, and horses rumbling by....... and then these two are dropped into the middle of it, together altering the feel to that of a hastily slapped together high school drama.
And then there are the action scenes.
Oh dear God, the action scenes.
"The Musketeer" had the same team for the action scenes that coordinated "The Matrix" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (One fantastic film and one total dog, which had me excited in one hand and horrified in the other). Again, this is where the film just holds us down for 90 minutes and pummels us with it's fists. While most of the action scenes are poorly directed and choppy (great job there, Peter Hyams), making them harder to watch than "The Blair Witch Project" on horseback, the ones that ARE impressive enough just don't work in the story! This gives the film a repeating pattern of hopping back and forth between annoying dialogue between some groggy actors talking about Kings and Queens and the glory of Frawnce, to faced paced and poorly lit fight scenes that spill from one cluttered Rube Goldberg location to another. First we fight in a room with lots of prop kegs and barrels, then we spill over into an over-stocked ladder factory, then we spill over into another equally forced location. I felt like I was watching the end fight scene of "Blazing Saddles", and had the swordsmen crashed through a tavern wall into a sound stage filming a musical with men in top hats and tails, it would not have surprised me. Nope, not at all.
And that's the real shame about films like "The Musketeer". I'm sure that there were many extremely talented people who worked their fingers to the bone, putting body and soul into their craft to make this film something that would make young and old alike stare in wonder and amazement, and walk from the theaters in silence because they had been moved and thrilled for an hour and a half. Occasionally this work peeked it's head out of this film and said hello. But then along comes Peter Hyams to make us dizzy, and Mena Suvari to make us feel like weeping, and Justin Chambers to remind us that America is indeed the land of undeserved opportunity. This film will make you laugh, and it will make you cry, but never, ever, where it was intended to.
The tagline of "The Musketeer" was "As you've never seen it before".
Insert your own joke here.
Until next time, the balcony is condemned (before someone decides to film a swashbuckling fight scene between a decent actor and a Starbucks counter clerk up here).
Dr. Torgo