GLADIATOR

I'm going to try my hardest not to throw in numerous references to the old "why was the Roman happy?" joke, tempted as I might be.

I will also refrain from vsing "Roman-esque" V's in place of U's throvghovt this entire review, thvs cavsing seriovs eye strain on the part of the reader.

I will also not throw in the old "Hey, anyone seen a pack of Trojans?" joke. Of that you can be sure.

Beyond that I make no promises. You know how I am.

Still, I am here today to speak of Gladiator. The tagline for the movie is "A Hero Will Rise", and I have a hunch so will box-office sales and profits from this film.

Russell Crowe stars as Maximus, as opposed to "Naughtius Maximus" from the classic Monty Python film "Life Of Brian", as a commanding general in Caesar's massive Empire that once controlled a quarter of the planet, as well as various strategic points in Canada (don't hold me to historical accuracy, that was a joke). Marcus Aurelius Caesar, played nicely by Richard "Orca Food" Harris, informs his son, Commodus (what a crappy name... another bad joke) that he is just too much of a girlie-man to take over the throne of the Roman Empire, and that he is going to appoint Maximus to the throne instead. Commodus gets upset (understatement), and in his anger does "a bad bad thing" to his aging Pop, and seizes the throne for himself. He does more bad things to Maximus, as well as Maximus's wife and child, and eventually we find ourselves in a world where Commodus (played brilliantly by Joaquin "To Die For" Phoenix) is a sleazy screwhead ruling a world where a decent man with more integrity is sent to the Gladiator battles to scrape out a living killing people to stay alive.

Yeah, it's a decent living and all, but Maximus, in a "vengeance is mine sayeth the man with the big sword" frame of mine, decides that he will make Commodus pay (and pay dearly) for what he has done. It's pretty moving and exciting stuff, and personally I can relate to the struggle of "one good man" who believes in his honor and his principles in a world where scummy bottom feeders seem to be able to take whatever they desire, without repercussions. Vengeance is such a neat emotion, isn't it?

The movie is 3 hours long, and moves along at a pretty quick pace. The brilliant imagery of director Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner, Legend, among others) really jumps off the screen, making this movie a glorious spectacle to behold. Keep in mind, this is no cheesy Star Trek "Bread and Circuses" Roman setting, and when Crowe and company take the field of battle in the Roman Coliseum, you feel like you are standing right there on the 50 yard line with them. Just the effects put into sets and settings alone will make you gasp and squeal in delight (actually, I did more gasping, never been much of a squealer myself).

The balance of the film is perfect. The battle scenes are bloody, violent, and well directed, with the opening "clashing armies" scene seeming like something out of "Braveheart", yet nicely balanced against scenes of intense dialogue and plot development. In fact, much about this film seems like "Braveheart" in a Roman Gladiator setting. Both films are excellent, and I am certainly not going to argue which one was better. I can't imagine anyone not liking either of them. Then again, there are alot of ninnies in the world.

A decent supporting cast should be noted as well. Oliver Reed (who I have always admired) was very good as Proximo, the slave owner and head coach, so to speak, of Maximus's team of Gladiators. Also appearing in the film was Djimon Hounsou from "Amistad", a fellow Gladiator who befriends Maximus and helps him chop up people who try to chop them up. It's not a "buddy film", but they do work nicely in a "you hold him this time while *I* chop off his head" sort of way.

So what am I saying here? A summer movie with no product placement, and no soundtrack by Brian Adams or Phil Collins? A summer movie with no "Maximus" action figures available at Burger King (only with the purchase of a kids meal, of course)? A summer movie with an actual PLOT?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Gladiator is just a fantastic film, plain and simple. If anyone tells you it isn't, tell them that they can have Ridley Scott's job of keeping everything that takes place on the screen at the same time in beautiful symmetry and see if they can do a better job. More than an action film, this movie has it all. It also shows that one decent man can make a difference, and if you stick to your guns, er... I mean swords, you can take on an empire.

A Hero Will Rise. Man, that's good stuff.

Until next time, the balcony is condemned.