But of course, it didn't. And when you stop to consider how many different bread/bun mediums there are still floating around out there, the world becomes frightening, the future becomes terrifying, and one wonders if the Breakfast McWaffle McBurger might be served up piping hot and juicy for us to enjoy sometime down the road.
And as fine and dandy as that is, it's a horrifying image, and a horrifying image is a good way to lead into the new French import of a film, "Brotherhood of the Wolf".
Brotherhood of the Wolf, known outside these United States as "Le Pacte des Loups", is an exciting new oddball combination of a film that is SO odd of a combination, that much like the McGriddle Sandwich, makes me wonder how it was ever given the green light for production in the first place.
"OK, I've got this movie idea here" (keep in mind reader, this should all be said in a poofy French accent). "We set the film in 18th Century France (as always, pronounced "Frawnce"), and we have this huge, slobbering brute of a beast running around the countryside eating up peasants and nobles alike like they are skittles!"
Interesting, you must admit. But where is the oddball twist?
"Ah, that's the kicker, for you see, we send in an 18th century beast hunting SWAT team in the form of two Canadian martial arts experts!!!"
Pardon?
And that's where the story goes somewhat weird on us. Weird, yes. But unlike the McGriddle, this movie doesn't suck on toast, er....., I mean pancakes.
And it's based on a true story, which makes everything scarier. Remember "Spice World"? I rest my case.
Maybe it's the oddball premise of this film that makes it fresh and exciting. Ok, if we had just any old "big bad wolf" story and set it in France in the 1700s, maybe it would have been just the same thing we have seen many times over, just served up in a slightly different location. But enter our two heroes, men of substance who may be French (ok, one is a Iroquois Indian, but he is half French), but would rather grab a stick or a knife and fight ten men or more at once like Jackie Chan rather than sit around wearing powdered wigs, wondering which cheek to put the mole on each morning, and endlessly complaining that the cheese isn't nearly runny and stinky enough.
So, it is martial arts experts hunting a werewolf by day, whooping it up with the lovely ladies of the local whore house by night, all the while trying to deal with the crushing reality that they are living in 18th century France.
Got it?
Good.
And it IS good! It has been compared to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", mainly because of the way the fight scenes and cinematography work together, but unlike "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", the story actually makes sense, and doesn't seem like a La Choy commercial with people flying and flipping on wires over their chop suey. The story has some nice twists along the way, and we find the likable characters very likable (always important, especially when they have to go spin-kick someone around a dangerous location), and the bad guys especially bad (always important, as we want to see them get spin-kicked around a dangerous location). There is danger, there is romance, and it's all set against a backdrop that is visually stunning.
Visually stunning for France in the rainy season, that is.
The movie can be seen in either it's original French (with English subtitles), or dubbed into English. While occasionally the dubbed voices sound a bit forced (Mani, the spin-kicking Iroquois from Canada, unfortunately had more presence and quiet ferocity when he DIDN'T speak), overall it's hardly noticeable.
My only complaint about the film are the CGI effects used on the slobbering beast of a creature itself, and this is mainly due to the fact that in the scenes where it WAS done well it was done so PERFECTLY well, that the few odd scenes that the effects didn't work stood out like a single curly fry in a basket of good old normal ones. Tasty, but out of place. Still, the creature moves fast enough in most scenes that you hardly notice the CGI as much as you notice the poor French bastard who is getting torn apart like a goose-down pillow in a wood chipper.
So next time you find yourself standing in front of the great menu boards of life, reach for something unique like "Brotherhood of the Wolf". Don't dismiss that odd flavor right away. Chew thoroughly, have several tastes in fact, and I think anyone who loves an action/romance with a few nasty thrills and chills along the way will love the way this one goes down. I hope to see more cutting edge films like this get recognition (and more people in line to see them than the next several Adam Sandler films), as it is truly a beautiful thing when it is all said and done. Unlike the McGriddle, which proves once and for all, that if there ever was a God, he has gone on a long vacation, and didn't leave a forwarding number.
And until next time, zee balcony, she is condemned.
Dr. Torgo